Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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