There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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