So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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