Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
