I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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