I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
