Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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