Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
