Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
