I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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