Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
