I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
