He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Are these your boobs on my camera?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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