apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
