woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
