She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
