So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize