i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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