I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
did you just send me my own nude
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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