9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
