someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
