you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
