Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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