I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
