WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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