Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
