I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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