I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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