I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
