She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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