at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
