I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
