Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
