I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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