thus making me awesome and them whores
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
where does the pee come out of this thing
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
