Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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