Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
