4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Are we in a gay sports bar?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
