I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Randomize
