I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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