my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
