Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
