The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My liver just had a heart attack.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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