can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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