At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
