My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
