In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Your cock deserves a montage
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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