she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We're too hungover to prance.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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