where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"