All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week