it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.