The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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