Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
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I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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