i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
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No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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