I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
