So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
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