I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
