sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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