I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
